Growing Up Alone — Disconnection and Misconception
I remember having a very privileged childhood — mostly involving getting whatever that I wished I wanted — of course, this was within reasonable means. Although as a child, this was considered as one of the most ideal situation to grow up in, not having to share anything with another sibling, less fights at home, not having to compete for attention.
The good thing was that I had an amazing circle of friends, that kept me occupied- something which compensated for this, however there is still a difference in having people you spend a lot of time with vs having a sibling that you share a home with.
I don’t remember feeling or regretting not having siblings. In fact, I often spoke about it to others which only ended up agitating them and had them wish that they were in a similar situation.
Some thought that I had conversations with an invisible ‘person’ at home in order to compensate this void and lived in my own imaginary world.
But I do recall that I once wished I had an elder brother — so he could spoil me rotten with gifts. That was my only regret. But anyway in all seriousness, this situation had never bothered me. Others around me saw it as something unusual or assumed I was sad. But on the contrary, I was actually having fun.
Now that I think of it, I may have had some moments where I was growing a little bored of not having to bug someone else at home. Or putting the blame on someone else. And sometimes, extended school holiday trips to visit the larger side of the family often left me in a weird sense of isolation because most of my cousins had more than 2 siblings in their families and everyone had their own backup person to bail them out of silly games we used to play. And the only opportunity I had in meeting my cousins were over these short school holidays which didnt’t happen often.
Once it was time to leave home to further my studies in another state, the only sense of sadness I felt was having to stay away from home, my comfort zone. But I recall adjusting to my new place quite easily. I also noticed that I was comfortable speaking to others without much effort and attracted friends along the way. Similarly when started my first job and having to make new friends in various places. I was never deprived of those connections.
As I grew older, many things started making sense on why growing up alone had actually helped me adapt better along the way. And at the same time, made me realise on how to deal with understanding others with larger family circles.
Because I grew up alone, I often found myself learning things on my own. There was no one ( close enough within my age group ) who was there as a guidance on what I should do or shouldn’t. There was no point of reference — as you may call it.
So I often assumed that the way I acted towards things was indeed the right- which often wasn’t true in all circumstances. But it made me less dependent on others — not even my family. There was always this constant need to find my own ways to deal with matters rather than running to particular source to solve my problems.
But on the contrary, this somehow lead to disconnection with others outside my family circle. Even having to keep in touch — it somehow felt that it wasn’t necessary, although others made it important to keep in touch with me, which I truly do appreciate. But even if they hadn’t, it wouldn’t have terribly bothered me.
But as your social circle begins to shrink due to change in places and priorities, it had left me wondering if having a sibling would have been an ideal fallback to those moments when you can just turn to family to confide on personal matters. And because this was lacking, friends who were long acquaintances became part of this fallback plan.
But often, there are only certain things that you can share outside your family circle and when this limitation exists, you then end up keeping these thoughts bottled inside you.
And this gets accumulated over time.
What I also realised is that the void of not having to grow up with a sibling often resulted in ‘getting too close’ with new people that you just met — mainly because of that excitement in establishing a new connection. And the drawback of this is being too expressive which these new people which typically isn’t an ideal way of getting to that comfort zone with them. Some may even regard this as being too ‘open’ with matters not necessarily to be shared with the outside circle.
While you are then trying to figure out the ideal way of managing your connections with others, you are then also dealing with certain misconceptions from people that assume that those who grew up alone have some ‘issues’ that they have to deal with.
The most common one is about the feeling of being unfortunately lonely. I have many at times felt bored — mainly because of my mind wandering over unproductive matters, but the feeling of loneliness for the sole reason of not having a sibling has never occured to me. Perhaps this is what makes us what we are. The resilience of that void when we grew up — that there is not real reason to feel lonely due to a missing sibling, but not doubting that other factors may contribute towards the feeling of loneliness — like matters that most of us deal with.
I won’t underestimate that people can feel alone and that some are actually lonely. But loneliness and being alone are two different states of mind. One without siblings may very well be alone and still be fine. But again to be lonely, is to feel that no one actually sees your presence and that nobody cares about you — that is often not true when stereotyping those who grew up with no siblings.
So let’s just do ourselves a favour and change the way we use these 2 terms.
I personally feel that I can now acknowledge better both the pros and cons of having to grow up alone. There are things like independence, being comfortable with being alone, confidence, ability to entertain myself, and having to learn things on my own because of the environment that I was exposed to.
However on the other side of things, having a certain lack of diplomacy, my way or the highway — and assuming that my actions may be the only right options to go with and of course growing up with access to all the resources of your family with no need to compete. So finding the right balance between managing these pros and cons — can get tricky at times because of just the way things are — but its a constant learning cycle for both the person and others who want to understand them better.
